update part 1

It’s been a life filled two months. That’s my way of saying it’s been challenging, emotionally draining, and at times just straight up not fun. Well, I’m just being honest. I’m human. Wooo hooo. I’m actually working on being a little more emotional. Emotional sounds so negative so I made up a new word- emotionfull. I had someone point out during a healing session for car accident residual that I was crying and smiling at the same time. Luckily I’m pretty confident that the reasoning behind the smile is the knowing that simply – it’s all good. Then I hear my friend Jon’s voice in my head “don’t go out in the sun and pretend like you didn’t just get sunburned”. So, even though I know it’s all good I’m taking responsibility for numbing myself of pain and heartache once in awhile. It’s tough to find that perfect balance between choosing rain and also knowing the storm will pass.

I feel like it’s rainbow time now. There are still light showers, but I can take a deep breath of fresh air and feel gratitude. The clouds all rolled in at once.

A few months ago I started getting anxiety in the car. It wasn’t extreme, but being someone who uses yoga and breathing to control her nervous system this feeling of not being in control really caught me off guard. A few days after that I had a pretty heated conversation with someone (which doesn’t happen often) and it fired up my nerves in my face that were damaged in the accident and they literally ached for a day. I was really checking in with the mind body connection and how we hold on to memories and experiences. The latest need for healing is in surfing. I had to get out of the water on two different occasions because I was feeling so uncomfortable and not safe.  I think it’s about the same issue of needing to feel control paired with the freak unfortunate set when you have to take a deep breath and take it to the face. That was my least favorite thing about surfing even before the accident. My face is done “taking it”. But it’s surfing, it’s my favorite thing in the world. It’s incredibly healing. It’s the perfect balance of grounding and freeing. Not being able to find that in myself was heartbreaking.  *fall to my knees with fists in the air and emotionfull* “WHY?!?!”

“Why?” why do we always ask ourselves these questions that don’t have answers? Or do they have a million answers!?! When I feel the need to fall to my knees and ask “Why?” a little angle isn’t going to land on my shoulder and say “Well, you got in this accident because _____ and your feeling this now because _____.” Those ideas are for me to play with. I say play with because it’s silly to attach myself to some reasoning that will bring temporary relief. It’s not about figuring out the whys?  It’s like that quote we’ve heard so many times. “It’s about the journey not the destination.”

Alas another year of healing. 2010 was all about healing too. I embrace it; it’s made me feel more human. I think 99% of the time there is something that needs healing within us and it’s easy to ignore. But I can’t really ignore it if my body is aching because of it. Reminds me of the beginning of last year when I was trying to figure out what was wrong in my relationship before my boyfriend at the time told me he had been unfaithful. There was a week of knowing something was wrong, but I was ignoring my intuition and looking in all the wrong directions. I got multiple styes in both eyes. My body was showing me that I wasn’t seeing things clearly. I truly believe that. I never had syes before and I haven’t had them since.

Ever since then I’m fully aware when I’m ignoring my intuition. They don’t call it a gut instinct for no reason. We can actually feel these things in our body. Sure, it still happens, but it feels so much more empowering to trust and acknowledge what makes my stomach turn instead of pushing it down.
I’m continuing to observe this mind body connection daily. I’ve witnessed how it’s impacted so many different aspects of my life. It’s caused me to do a lot of looking inward, which in turn has allowed me shine out (finally! It took some time) I’ve let love in and let love go. I’ve started new adventures and reminisced on the ones I’ve already been on. I’ve done a lot of forgiving.

The Universe said this morning tawney, each challenge adds to the suspense, adds to the mystery, adds to the chaos, adds to the possibilities, adds to the romance, adds to the adventure, adds to the joy.

And I say anything that adds to the joy should be embraced.

It’s all good.